Paleo Mayo

Many condiments are not considered paleo.  Hell, some aren't even considered edible!  I love mayo.  I grew up on Hellman's but it's definitely not the best thing out there.  Making your own mayo is so ridiculously easy that once you master the flavor, you won't want to buy it from the store anymore! The ingredients are basic.  You'll need a quart-sized mason jar and a submersible blender.

INGREDIENTS

In the mason jar add:
*1 cup of oil such as avocado or grapeseed (olive oil will produce a very strong flavor)
*1 raw egg
*2-3 teaspoons of apple cider vinegar
*1 teaspoon of sea salt or Himalayan salt

DIRECTIONS

Put your submersible blender right to the bottom of the jar and fire that fucker up!  Keep that shit blending until you see mostly white and very little oil.  When most of the oil in incorporated, stop the blender and give it a taste.  You might want to add more salt or vinegar or add some other shit like garlic powder, etc.  Blend some more, this time moving the blender up and down a little bit.  Store it in the fridge in the jar you made it in!

Sweet Potatoes In Smoothies

Growing up, the only time sweet potatoes showed up on my table was on a holiday.......usually Thanksgiving.  They were cooked in loads of butter and brown sugar. The result was a sweet, sticky, gooey mess. There was no way to hide the grossness. I never liked them and avoided them at all costs.  It was only just recently that a friend of mine suggested putting them in smoothies.  Shit!  I'll try anything!  Plus I also had my coach who willingly tries anything I make.  I was pretty fucking surprised to discover that putting them in smoothies didn't suck!

Sweet potatoes are distantly related to potatoes but unlike potatoes, they are not a nightshade plant, which is good news for those of us who have a hard time with nightshade veggies.  They have great nutritional content and the darker orange the flesh, the better they are!  They are a simple starch and are loaded with complex carbs, fiber, Vitamin C and betacarotene (the last two both increases when you cook them).  They also have potassium, calcium, vitamins B5 & B6, and manganese.

Cooking these tubers of love for use in smoothies is so easy!  Keep the skins on.  Chop them and throw them in a baking pan with some water and toss that shit in a 350 degree oven until they are soft. Check them every once in a while to make sure they aren't burning.  Once they are done, store them in the fridge or freezer.  If you freeze them, lay them out on a parchment covered baking sheet to freeze otherwise those little bastards will stick together and make your life hell trying to separate them!  Once they are solid, throw them in a freezer bag.

Meat Hot Sauce

Meat hot sauce??  "WTF is that?" you ask??  Well!  Let me tell you!  It's a complete FOODGASM!  I am from the home of the Garbage Plate.  Screw Bill Gray's Tom Wahl's, Jimmy Z's and whoever else has a plate on their menu.  There is only one Garbage Plate and it hails from Nick Tahou's. Shhhhh.
A moment of silence please...........

If you've never had a one, a Garbage Plate truly is a spectacular masterpiece of a dish!  Burgers or hots with mac salad & home fries (or baked beans) smothered in meat hot sauce, mustard and onions.........a mouth-orgasm waiting to happen!

Most people outside of Rochester know what this gem of a condiment is.  If you aren't from around here, lemme school ya!  I make big batches of this shit and freeze it and put it on pretty much everything!  Even if you're a veggie-saurus, you can still make this shit!

So here's the skinny.....most of this recipe is a guideline......a jumping point if you will.  Follow it and then change this bitch to suit your tastes.  Me?  I double all the spices and hot shit.  You might not like that.  Whatever.  Play with the ingredients and see what you like.  I don't recommend changing the ratios of water to beef.

Ingredients

• olive oil for frying
• 1 & 1/2  pounds of ground beef or veggie ground
• 1 medium to large sweet onion chopped
• 2 large cloves of garlic minced (smash those fuckers with the broad side of your knife before you mince them)
• 2 cups of water
• 1 small can of tomato paste
• 2 tablespoons of Red Hot or Sriracha (you can add more if you like)
• 1 tablespoon of dark brown sugar
• 1 teaspoon chili powder
• 1 teaspoon cayenne pepper
• 1 teaspoon black pepper
• 1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
• 1 teaspoon paprika
• 1 teaspoon cinnamon
• 1 teaspoon ground cumin
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
• 1/2 teaspoon allspice
• 1/2 teaspoon dried cilantro
• salt to taste (don't put this shit in until the hot sauce is done)

Directions

1.  Saute the onions in some olive oil until they are soft.

2.  Add the ground beef ***, garlic, and water and mix that shit good.  Honestly it's gonna look like gross      but keep your panties on.  It will be the consistency it needs to be when it's done.

3.  Throw all the rest of the ingredients in the pot EXCEPT THE SALT.  Save that shit until the end.        Stir the hell out of it.

4.  Put a lid on the pot, turn the heat down to low and let that fucker simmer for about an hour while        you go have a couple beers, read a book, take a nap........whatever.

5.  Taste your masterpiece.  If you think it needs more of something, add that shit right in!  Keep              tasting that mother fucker until your mouth is completely turned on and your taste buds start                making babies.

6.  You're happy with the flavors yet?  Good!  Put some fucking salt in there! Don't put too much in or      you'll ruin all your hard work. Mix in 1 teaspoon at a time, taste it, and reevaluate. 

You can't eat the whole fucking pot in one sitting so I recommend freezing it.  The best way to do this is to spray ice cube trays with some cooking spray.  I use Spectrum coconut oil spray.  Fill the cubes up with your luscious sauce and freeze that shit.  Once it's solid, take the cubes out of the trays and
put those little fuckers in a freezer bag for a deep cryogenic sleep until you're ready to use them.  To defrost them, just put them in a small sauce pan with a little water and warm them up.  

*** If you've gone to the Veg Head side and are using ground veggie burger, you're gonna want to brown that shit up real good before you do anything else.  Ground veg has a much different consistency than beef.  Once you brown it in the olive oil, add the onions and garlic.  once they are soft, just follow the rest of the directions.  Also, if you are a Veg Head but you want to do things right and make a Plate, you'll need cheese for your burgers.  Being dairy-free, I use Diaya cheddar style slices.  They melt pretty good and taste ok too.  

Happy eating!  Angie

Caramel Apple Smoothie

Fuck yeah!  Fall is here!  Pumpkins, apples, squash, grapes, colorful landscapes, Halloween........what's not to love about this season?!  As much as I love the heat and sun of the summer, the sights and smells of fall make this season, by far my favorite time of the year!  I had so much fun in the kitchen experimenting and trying to get the flavors of fall into something edible!

INGREDIENTS:

1 cup of unsweetened nut milk

1 scoop of vanilla protien powder

1 teaspoon of pure vanilla

1 tablespoon of cinnamon 

2 tablespoons of pure maple syrup

1 banana

1/4 cup cooked cooked sweet potatoes

4 pitted Medjool dates

1-2 apples cut (depending the size)

You know what to do!  Blend the fuck out of that shit!  You can and should leave the skins on the apples. You should also leave the skin on the sweet potatoes when you cook them. Once it's blended, add some ice and blend again.  

Cheers!  Angie

Peach Berry Cobbler

I love this time of year!  The days have been sweltering, the nights sticky, and fruit is abundant!  I'm finding  myself with so much fresh fruit from my CSA, that I have to cook with it so it doesn't get shitty. Between smoothies and baking (and of course the homemade peach bourbon and vodka) I'm having a fucking ball!  Good thing I have summers off!

Peach cobbler......awe hell!  ANY cobbler is so good this time of year.  Finding a way to make it edible for me was a bitch but in the end I got it!  It's really no more effort than making any other cobbler. Honestly, (and you know that I am my own worst critic) I think it's better than the traditional crap-filled cobbler. The top is so moist!  (Go ahead and laugh!  You know you want to!)  That makes is better in my opinion. But whatever!  Try it for yourself!

INGREDIENTS & DIRECTIONS

FILLING

In a sauce pan, dump in:

•1/4 cup coconut sugar

•2 tablespoons of tapioca starch/flour

•1/2 cup cold water

•1/2 cup unsweetened almond milk or full-fat coconut milk. Use whatever the fuck you like. 

•juice of half a lemon

Wisk lthat shit up good then put it on the stove on mediumish heat. While that's warming, start adding the fruit. Slice up 4 decent-sized peaches. You can be a lazy fuck and leave the skins on. You want that shit in there!  Also add in 2 cups of berries. I use blueberries and blackberries because they are relatively firm and won't fall apart. Keep stiring that shit up until it thickens, but be gentle. Try not to break the berries.  Once the liquid is thick, pour that shit into a 9X13 pan that's about 2" deep. 

BATTER

In a bowl mix:

•3 cups of almond flour

•2 eggs

•1 tablespoon of pure vanilla extract 

•1 teaspoon of baking soda

•1 teaspoon of salt

•1/2 cup of virgin coconut oil

•1/2 cup of pure maple syrup (non of that fake shit)

Make sure to mix this shit good!  No lumps!

ASSEMBLY & BAKING

Drop batter on fruit with a tablespoon. No, you don't have to be exact. That shit will probably bake together no matter how you put it on. It's just oddly relaxing to drop it in by the spoonful. Yeah I know. 

Put that fucker in a 350 degree oven for 30 minutes. Then, turn the oven off and let it sit in there for another 30 minutes. I know you'll be tempted to look inside and maybe even take it out early. GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF DAMN IT!  It will be fine!  I promise!  

Here's to orgasmic paleo foods!

Cheers!

Angie

Chocolate Cream Pie

Sometimes throwing shit in the blender comes out, well, like shit. Other times throwing shit in the blender works like magic. Usually I try something before sharing it. This was not one of those times. I wasn't sure how well the peach/kefir smoothie I was making was gonna go over with my coach so I decided to make him something different. I never tried it before I gave it to him.  His reaction........he said it tasted like chocolate cream pie. Score!!!

INGREDIENTS 

2 cups chocolate almond milk

1/4 cup of peanut butter 

6 Medjool dates

2 tablespoons of instant espresso

1 scoop of vanilla protein powder (whatever the fuck kind you want)

Ice cubes

DIRECTIONS

Throw all that shit in the blender and blend the fuck out of it!

Horchata Smoothie

Horchata or Orxata, is several kinds of traditional beverages from Spain and Latin America made with a variety of things including tiger nuts (Spain) rice, almonds, sesame seeds, barely, jícaro, (Latin America) and a variety of spices including cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice, and rum. 

Horchata has become one of my favorite things to drink and I wanted to do more than throw some already-made shit in the blender with ice but I also wanted this to be easier to make than the real thing. 

The picture isnt the greatest. It was so damn good that I chugged it before I realized I forgot to take a pic. 

INGREDIENTS 

2 cups of unsweetened almond milk

1/2 cup of almond butter

1/4 cup of raw almonds

1 banana

6 Medjool dates 

3 tablespoons of cinnamon 

12ish ice cubes

DIRECTIONS

Throw all that shit in the blender until it's blended!  Easy peasy!

Damn Good Balls

I love leaving experiments for people to try and not saying anything about them and just sitting back and waiting for a reaction/comment/suggestion/etc.  I never know who I might choose as a guinea pig, but no matter who I choose, I'm never disappointed in their reaction, even if what I made tastes like shit.  I'm happy to say that my coach, the guinea pig of this food experiment, did not disappoint in the reaction department.  Fucking hilarious opening a text from him saying "Those are the best balls I have even had!", just as my boss walked into my classroom.  He was greeted by me crying because I was laughing so hard. How do I explain THAT when he asks me what's so funny?

My all-time favorite SNL skit is, without a doubt, 'The Delicious Dish' skit starring Molly Shannon as Teri and Ana Gasteyer as Margaret Jo where they feature Alec Baldwin as Pete Schweddy from Season's Eating and his famous Schweddy Balls. If you have no idea what I'm talking about you best click the link!  Schweddy Balls  This skit produced some of the best ball-related one-liners ever!  So let me tell you about these balls and see how many of those one-liners I can squeeze into this recipe!

Deez balls are full of protein and have a great sweet-salty flavor.  Who doesn't love a little salt in their balls?  These balls glisten with the ample amount of healthy oils.  They are so tender and they smell wonderful!  My mouth is watering just thinking about these balls!  You aren't going to be able to wait to get your mouth around them!

INGREDIENTS:
1 cup of salted nut butter (how can you NOT smile reading THAT?!)
1/2 cup raw honey or 1/2 cup pure maple syrup (none of that fake shit)
1/2 cup Enjoy Life mini chips (because you can't enjoy my balls without chocolate)
1 cup Irish oats or steel cut oats (based on personal preference)
1/2 cup raw, unsweetened coconut flakes
1/4 cup ground flax (no whole seeds because that shit doesn't digest well)
1/4 cup chia seeds (whole are fine)
1/4 cup hemp seeds or hemp powder (again, personal preference)
1 scoop of your favorite vanilla flavored protein

1 tablespoon of ground cinnamon 

1 tablespoon of maca powder

1 tablespoon of mesquite powder

1 tablespoon of lucuma powder
1 teaspoon Himalayan salt

If you want to make these balls paleo, balls that a caveman would be proud to swing, don't use peanut butter.  Instead use almond, cashew, sesame, or some other tree nut butter.  Replace the oats with extra flax, chia, hemp, and coconut flakes in any ratio you want as long as it equals a cup.

DIRECTIONS:
To make these beautiful balls, throw all that shit into a bowl and mix the fuck out of it until it's combined.  If you have a cookie scoop, use that to make your balls.  Otherwise measure out a heaping tablespoon for each ball.

Roll them gently but firmly until they are round.  If you roll them too long, your balls may become misshapen from the heat of your hands.  They may even melt a little bit.  These balls are very delicate.

Cover them carefully and store them in the refrigerator.  

Take life by the balls Champ!  Eat these salty, nutty balls and eat them often!  Angie

Pumpkin N'Oatmeal (paleo oatmeal)

If you live where I live, from January through March there's a real good chance you'll spend your time freezing your ass off.  There really is nothing better than a hot breakfast on cold mornings.  I found the original recipe on the Girl Meets Paleo blog and I changed it up a bit.  Hell, this shit is so good, I can eat it every day all year long!  The variations you can come up with make this delicious breakfast ever-changing.  It's also full of good fats & carbs and protein. This recipe makes enough for 5 servings. 

Put in a bowl:

•1 can of full fat coconut milk

•1 can of pumpkin 

•1 cup of ground flax or coconut flour or a combination of the two
•1/2 cup pure maple syrup or honey or a combination.  If you think you need more then go for it!

•OPTIONAL: Cinnamon, Nutmeg, Vanilla, Chia seeds, Hemp seeds, frozen berries.  I put all of this in mine.  Put in however the fuck much you like.  If you don't like any of that shit then just leave it out!  It's your fucking party!  Put in what you like!

Mix the fuck out of that shit!  Get all the lumps out.

In a frying pan, toast in coconut oil:

•1 cup chopped tree nuts (walnuts, pecans, almonds etc.) Pecans are my favorite nut for this!

•10 chopped Medjool dates

Once the nuts are browned, add 1/2 cup of flaked coconut.  A few seconds is all you really need. Coconut burns fast!  If you really wanna get funky, you can candify that son of a bitch!  As soon as you turn the heat off, pour some maple syrup and vanilla over that shit!  Stir it really good then let it sit and cool.  If you decide to do this, it's best to use a stainless steel frying pan.

Divide the pumpkin mixture between 5 containers, preferably glass. I use Ball pint size square jars. Top with nut/date mixture, cover, refrigerate.  I chuck in a handful of blueberries to each serving before I put it in the fridge.

When it's time to eat, crack one egg into a serving and mix that shit up good. Microwave it for 2-3 minutes. 

Cheers!  Angie

This recipe is an adaptation from Girl Meets Paleo. The original recipe can be found here:

https://girlmeetspaleo.wordpress.com/2012/08/18/pumpkin-noatmeal-paleo-oatmeal/

Creamy Caramel Sauce

Who doesn't love rich, ooey, gooey caramel?  This recipe is so simple that it's hard to believe it makes something with such depth of flavor!  The list of what you can drown in this is too long! Just use your imagination!  You can pour this shit over anything!

•1 can of full-fat coconut milk

•1 cup of coconut sugar

•1 tsp of pure vanilla extract

Put all 3 ingredients in a heavy-bottomed sauce pan. Bring all that good shit to a boil and let it roll for for 15 minutes. 

Watch it carefully because the minute you take your eyes off that fucker, you know it's gonna boil over!  You can stir it occasionally to keep it from sticking and burning. 

After 15 minutes, lower the heat and simmer for another 5 min. Remove caramel from heat and pour into a heat-proof glass bowl. It will continue to thicken as it cools. Store in the fridge. 

To reheat it, you can carefully nuke it or you can reheat it over the stove. If it seems too thick, add a little more coconut milk as you warm it up.