Caramel Apple Smoothie

Fuck yeah!  Fall is here!  Pumpkins, apples, squash, grapes, colorful landscapes, Halloween........what's not to love about this season?!  As much as I love the heat and sun of the summer, the sights and smells of fall make this season, by far my favorite time of the year!  I had so much fun in the kitchen experimenting and trying to get the flavors of fall into something edible!

INGREDIENTS:

1 cup of unsweetened nut milk

1 scoop of vanilla protien powder

1 teaspoon of pure vanilla

1 tablespoon of cinnamon 

2 tablespoons of pure maple syrup

1 banana

1/4 cup cooked cooked sweet potatoes

4 pitted Medjool dates

1-2 apples cut (depending the size)

You know what to do!  Blend the fuck out of that shit!  You can and should leave the skins on the apples. You should also leave the skin on the sweet potatoes when you cook them. Once it's blended, add some ice and blend again.  

Cheers!  Angie

Peach Berry Cobbler

I love this time of year!  The days have been sweltering, the nights sticky, and fruit is abundant!  I'm finding  myself with so much fresh fruit from my CSA, that I have to cook with it so it doesn't get shitty. Between smoothies and baking (and of course the homemade peach bourbon and vodka) I'm having a fucking ball!  Good thing I have summers off!

Peach cobbler......awe hell!  ANY cobbler is so good this time of year.  Finding a way to make it edible for me was a bitch but in the end I got it!  It's really no more effort than making any other cobbler. Honestly, (and you know that I am my own worst critic) I think it's better than the traditional crap-filled cobbler. The top is so moist!  (Go ahead and laugh!  You know you want to!)  That makes is better in my opinion. But whatever!  Try it for yourself!

INGREDIENTS & DIRECTIONS

FILLING

In a sauce pan, dump in:

•1/4 cup coconut sugar

•2 tablespoons of tapioca starch/flour

•1/2 cup cold water

•1/2 cup unsweetened almond milk or full-fat coconut milk. Use whatever the fuck you like. 

•juice of half a lemon

Wisk lthat shit up good then put it on the stove on mediumish heat. While that's warming, start adding the fruit. Slice up 4 decent-sized peaches. You can be a lazy fuck and leave the skins on. You want that shit in there!  Also add in 2 cups of berries. I use blueberries and blackberries because they are relatively firm and won't fall apart. Keep stiring that shit up until it thickens, but be gentle. Try not to break the berries.  Once the liquid is thick, pour that shit into a 9X13 pan that's about 2" deep. 

BATTER

In a bowl mix:

•3 cups of almond flour

•2 eggs

•1 tablespoon of pure vanilla extract 

•1 teaspoon of baking soda

•1 teaspoon of salt

•1/2 cup of virgin coconut oil

•1/2 cup of pure maple syrup (non of that fake shit)

Make sure to mix this shit good!  No lumps!

ASSEMBLY & BAKING

Drop batter on fruit with a tablespoon. No, you don't have to be exact. That shit will probably bake together no matter how you put it on. It's just oddly relaxing to drop it in by the spoonful. Yeah I know. 

Put that fucker in a 350 degree oven for 30 minutes. Then, turn the oven off and let it sit in there for another 30 minutes. I know you'll be tempted to look inside and maybe even take it out early. GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF DAMN IT!  It will be fine!  I promise!  

Here's to orgasmic paleo foods!

Cheers!

Angie

Chocolate Cream Pie

Sometimes throwing shit in the blender comes out, well, like shit. Other times throwing shit in the blender works like magic. Usually I try something before sharing it. This was not one of those times. I wasn't sure how well the peach/kefir smoothie I was making was gonna go over with my coach so I decided to make him something different. I never tried it before I gave it to him.  His reaction........he said it tasted like chocolate cream pie. Score!!!

INGREDIENTS 

2 cups chocolate almond milk

1/4 cup of peanut butter 

6 Medjool dates

2 tablespoons of instant espresso

1 scoop of vanilla protein powder (whatever the fuck kind you want)

Ice cubes

DIRECTIONS

Throw all that shit in the blender and blend the fuck out of it!

Horchata Smoothie

Horchata or Orxata, is several kinds of traditional beverages from Spain and Latin America made with a variety of things including tiger nuts (Spain) rice, almonds, sesame seeds, barely, jícaro, (Latin America) and a variety of spices including cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice, and rum. 

Horchata has become one of my favorite things to drink and I wanted to do more than throw some already-made shit in the blender with ice but I also wanted this to be easier to make than the real thing. 

The picture isnt the greatest. It was so damn good that I chugged it before I realized I forgot to take a pic. 

INGREDIENTS 

2 cups of unsweetened almond milk

1/2 cup of almond butter

1/4 cup of raw almonds

1 banana

6 Medjool dates 

3 tablespoons of cinnamon 

12ish ice cubes

DIRECTIONS

Throw all that shit in the blender until it's blended!  Easy peasy!

Damn Good Balls

I love leaving experiments for people to try and not saying anything about them and just sitting back and waiting for a reaction/comment/suggestion/etc.  I never know who I might choose as a guinea pig, but no matter who I choose, I'm never disappointed in their reaction, even if what I made tastes like shit.  I'm happy to say that my coach, the guinea pig of this food experiment, did not disappoint in the reaction department.  Fucking hilarious opening a text from him saying "Those are the best balls I have even had!", just as my boss walked into my classroom.  He was greeted by me crying because I was laughing so hard. How do I explain THAT when he asks me what's so funny?

My all-time favorite SNL skit is, without a doubt, 'The Delicious Dish' skit starring Molly Shannon as Teri and Ana Gasteyer as Margaret Jo where they feature Alec Baldwin as Pete Schweddy from Season's Eating and his famous Schweddy Balls. If you have no idea what I'm talking about you best click the link!  Schweddy Balls  This skit produced some of the best ball-related one-liners ever!  So let me tell you about these balls and see how many of those one-liners I can squeeze into this recipe!

Deez balls are full of protein and have a great sweet-salty flavor.  Who doesn't love a little salt in their balls?  These balls glisten with the ample amount of healthy oils.  They are so tender and they smell wonderful!  My mouth is watering just thinking about these balls!  You aren't going to be able to wait to get your mouth around them!

INGREDIENTS:
1 cup of salted nut butter (how can you NOT smile reading THAT?!)
1/2 cup raw honey or 1/2 cup pure maple syrup (none of that fake shit)
1/2 cup Enjoy Life mini chips (because you can't enjoy my balls without chocolate)
1 cup Irish oats or steel cut oats (based on personal preference)
1/2 cup raw, unsweetened coconut flakes
1/4 cup ground flax (no whole seeds because that shit doesn't digest well)
1/4 cup chia seeds (whole are fine)
1/4 cup hemp seeds or hemp powder (again, personal preference)
1 scoop of your favorite vanilla flavored protein

1 tablespoon of ground cinnamon 

1 tablespoon of maca powder

1 tablespoon of mesquite powder

1 tablespoon of lucuma powder
1 teaspoon Himalayan salt

If you want to make these balls paleo, balls that a caveman would be proud to swing, don't use peanut butter.  Instead use almond, cashew, sesame, or some other tree nut butter.  Replace the oats with extra flax, chia, hemp, and coconut flakes in any ratio you want as long as it equals a cup.

DIRECTIONS:
To make these beautiful balls, throw all that shit into a bowl and mix the fuck out of it until it's combined.  If you have a cookie scoop, use that to make your balls.  Otherwise measure out a heaping tablespoon for each ball.

Roll them gently but firmly until they are round.  If you roll them too long, your balls may become misshapen from the heat of your hands.  They may even melt a little bit.  These balls are very delicate.

Cover them carefully and store them in the refrigerator.  

Take life by the balls Champ!  Eat these salty, nutty balls and eat them often!  Angie

Pumpkin N'Oatmeal (paleo oatmeal)

If you live where I live, from January through March there's a real good chance you'll spend your time freezing your ass off.  There really is nothing better than a hot breakfast on cold mornings.  I found the original recipe on the Girl Meets Paleo blog and I changed it up a bit.  Hell, this shit is so good, I can eat it every day all year long!  The variations you can come up with make this delicious breakfast ever-changing.  It's also full of good fats & carbs and protein. This recipe makes enough for 5 servings. 

Put in a bowl:

•1 can of full fat coconut milk

•1 can of pumpkin 

•1 cup of ground flax or coconut flour or a combination of the two
•1/2 cup pure maple syrup or honey or a combination.  If you think you need more then go for it!

•OPTIONAL: Cinnamon, Nutmeg, Vanilla, Chia seeds, Hemp seeds, frozen berries.  I put all of this in mine.  Put in however the fuck much you like.  If you don't like any of that shit then just leave it out!  It's your fucking party!  Put in what you like!

Mix the fuck out of that shit!  Get all the lumps out.

In a frying pan, toast in coconut oil:

•1 cup chopped tree nuts (walnuts, pecans, almonds etc.) Pecans are my favorite nut for this!

•10 chopped Medjool dates

Once the nuts are browned, add 1/2 cup of flaked coconut.  A few seconds is all you really need. Coconut burns fast!  If you really wanna get funky, you can candify that son of a bitch!  As soon as you turn the heat off, pour some maple syrup and vanilla over that shit!  Stir it really good then let it sit and cool.  If you decide to do this, it's best to use a stainless steel frying pan.

Divide the pumpkin mixture between 5 containers, preferably glass. I use Ball pint size square jars. Top with nut/date mixture, cover, refrigerate.  I chuck in a handful of blueberries to each serving before I put it in the fridge.

When it's time to eat, crack one egg into a serving and mix that shit up good. Microwave it for 2-3 minutes. 

Cheers!  Angie

This recipe is an adaptation from Girl Meets Paleo. The original recipe can be found here:

https://girlmeetspaleo.wordpress.com/2012/08/18/pumpkin-noatmeal-paleo-oatmeal/

Creamy Caramel Sauce

Who doesn't love rich, ooey, gooey caramel?  This recipe is so simple that it's hard to believe it makes something with such depth of flavor!  The list of what you can drown in this is too long! Just use your imagination!  You can pour this shit over anything!

•1 can of full-fat coconut milk

•1 cup of coconut sugar

•1 tsp of pure vanilla extract

Put all 3 ingredients in a heavy-bottomed sauce pan. Bring all that good shit to a boil and let it roll for for 15 minutes. 

Watch it carefully because the minute you take your eyes off that fucker, you know it's gonna boil over!  You can stir it occasionally to keep it from sticking and burning. 

After 15 minutes, lower the heat and simmer for another 5 min. Remove caramel from heat and pour into a heat-proof glass bowl. It will continue to thicken as it cools. Store in the fridge. 

To reheat it, you can carefully nuke it or you can reheat it over the stove. If it seems too thick, add a little more coconut milk as you warm it up. 

Chocolate Pudding

A day off from teaching is a day that I get to spend doing a couple of my most favorite me-time things: cooking and lifting!  With the latter done early today, I had lots of time to make a mess in the kitchen (no joke here!) and ended up coming up with a paleo-worthy sweet treat.

The recipe is ridiculously easy and so damn good!  I'm not sure how much self control I'll have later on! 

Recipe makes 3ish cups

Ingredients:

•2 cups of water

•1/2 cup raw cashews, almonds, walnuts, pecans, or hazelnuts

•1/4 cup raw cacao powder

•1/3 cup chia seeds

•10 Medjool dates pitted

•2 teaspoons Himalayan salt or Kalahari desert salt (sea salt is fine if you don't have the others but I prefer them because they have a stronger salt flavor)

•Cacao nibs, raw coconut flakes, coconut creme, date creme, fresh fruit, or whatever the hell else you want to throw on top. 

Put everything in a high-powered blender and let that fucker blend on high for 2-5 minutes. Yeah that may seem like a big gap in time but whatever kind of blender you have will determine how long this will take. If it seems really thick, add a little more water, maybe 1/8 of a cup at a time. Don't worry if it seems a little too watery because the Chia seeds will thicken it up. 

If you have a shit blender, you should put things in little at a time and you should probably chop the dates, otherwise they may get stuck. If you have a vitamix or similar, your pudding will warm up a bit but hey, that's ok!

When everything is blended and smooth, you can either put your pudding into 1/2 size glass bowls, dump it all into one larger glass bowl, or just put your face it it! 

Don't store this in metal because it will react and change the flavor. If it's a choice between plastic and metal, use the plastic and go get yourself some glass food containers!